Bad Science Page 8

  With a cage!? Where could you buy such unique items, or did you have to have them custom made at your local blacksmith?

  Another lovely idea was circumcision—but the key part of this strategy was that “the operation be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain will have a salutary effect on the mind.” And if this young boy was not traumatized enough by this blatant act of torture for the sake of his alleged virtue, Kellogg compassionately adds that the bonus feature of circumcision is that, “The soreness which continues for several weeks” will “further interrupt” the desire for self-abuse.

  But what if you’re worried that circumcision won’t work, that masturbation may continue after the soreness has ceased? Kellogg had an even more diabolical solution, although he admits (probably with regret) that he did not think of it himself.

  “Through the courtesy of Dr. Archibald, Superintendent of the Iowa Asylum for Feeble-Minded Children,” came the following, which is best described in Kellogg’s own words.

  “It consists in the application of one or more silver sutures in such a way as to prevent erection…the foreskin is drawn forward over the glans, and the needle to which the wire is attached is passed through from one side to the other. After drawing the wire through, the ends are twisted together, and cut off close.”

  The delightful result of having a needle jabbed into your penis and leaving in “one or more” metal stitches?

  “It is now impossible for an erection to occur, and the slight irritation thus produced acts as a most powerful means of overcoming the disposition to resort to the practice.”

  (Okay, gentlemen, take a moment now to breathe…Close your eyes and go to your happy place…If you’re still feeling woozy, feel free to lean over and place your head between your knees for a few moments…Feeling better now? Good, let’s continue.)

  Dr. J.H. Kellogg, whose

  Hobbies included enemas,

  inventing breakfast cereals,

  and sexually mutilating

  children.

  Of course, girls presented a more delicate problem. How best to treat this awful habit in young and impressionable females? Kellogg proudly declared that he had “found that the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris” was “an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.”

  Carbolic acid, also known as phenol, is used as an antiseptic. However, even in diluted forms it can cause skin irritation. Concentrated or “pure” carbolic acid can cause severe chemical burns. Can you imagine the result of this acid on the tender flesh of a young girl’s private parts!

  But why stop at merely burning the clitoris when you can completely remove it surgically? As early as 1858, Dr. Isaac Baker Brown wrote about this procedure, especially for those who were considered to be mentally ill. Dr. Kellogg did perform such surgery on a ten-year-old girl, but later actually had second thoughts—which was a little late for the poor girl he mutilated.

  (Remarkably, such procedures are still performed in Africa today [to prevent girls from becoming promiscuous]—with razors and no anesthesia, but don’t even get me started on the staggering ignorance and horror of that practice!)

  So, tomorrow morning when you’re crunching away on your corn flakes, think of Dr. Kellogg and his enemas. Or perhaps you should dig down deep into the cereal box to see if you have a special prize of a “Penis Home Suturing Kit,” or a little bottle of carbolic acid.

  Better yet, maybe you should just have some Post Grape Nuts…

  Rule of 120

  There’s nothing quite so irritating as a group of men making decisions concerning women’s rights, but such has been the long and unjust history of male-dominated societies around the world. From ancient civilizations where women weren’t even considered as valuable as cattle, to present day countries where women aren’t even allowed to show their faces in public, the rule of men has been rigid, harsh, and often cruel.

  But surely in a country as modern and progressive as the United States in the 1960s, women had won the right to make decisions about their own reproductive systems…or not…

  As late as 1969, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists had an arbitrary and offensive “rule” in their manual of standards regarding when a woman was to be granted the privilege of voluntary surgical sterilization to free her from having any more children. Known as the “Rule of 120,” it stated that a woman’s age multiplied by the number of children to which she had given birth had to equal 120 in order for her to be eligible for the procedure. Apparently, the eminent physicians at the ACOG had, in their infinite male wisdom, decided that women had fertility quotas they were obligated to meet.

  In other words, in 1968, an educated woman of forty who was running a successful business and had two grown children in college was not qualified to decide that she didn’t want to have any more babies. According to the Rule of 120, at a score of only 80 she would most likely have been denied a tubal ligation. Similarly, a nineteen-year-old single mother of six children living in abject poverty would not have qualified, either.

  In addition, this rule did not even take into account a woman’s health, so the fact that an additional pregnancy might endanger the mother’s life did not enter the equation.

  It is easy to scoff at cultures where women were viewed to be no better than cattle, but let us not forget that in our very recent past, the American woman was still seen to be something of a breeding cow.

  Egyptian Dick and Jane

  An Ancient Tale of Contraception

  See ancient Egyptian Dick make his move on Egyptian Jane. “Your eyes sparkle like moonlight on the Nile,” Dick whispers in her ear as he takes her in his arms.

  “Oh, Dick!” Egyptian Jane swoons, “Is that a papyrus in your loincloth, or are you just happy to see me?”

  See Egyptian Dick and Jane start to go at it. Go Egyptian Dick. Go Egyptian Jane.

  “Stop!” shouts Jane. “Stop, Dick, stop.”

  “But why, Jane” moans Dick. “Is it the sand again?”

  “No, Dick, no. I must take precautions or else we will soon hear the pitter patter of little pyramid builder’s feet around the house,” Jane replies.

  See Egyptian Jane prepare her contraceptive from a popular recipe. See her mix many ingredients and place them in a hollowed-out half of a small citrus fruit. See Egyptian Jane insert her contraceptive.

  Carefully, Jane, carefully.

  See Egyptian Dick and Jane start to go at it again. Go Egyptian Dick. Go Egyptian Jane.

  “Stop!” shouts Dick. “Stop, Jane, stop!”

  “But why, Dick?” Jane moans. “Is it the locusts again?”

  See Egyptian Dick begin to gag. “In the name of Amon Ra, what is in that contraceptive?” Dick asks, holding his nose.

  “It is a mix of the purest honey and herbs,” Egyptian Jane replies, and then remembers the special ingredient. “Oh yes, the recipe also calls for crocodile dung.”

  See Egyptian Dick run. Run, Dick, run.

  In the ancient world, linen, silk, oiled paper, and leather were used for condoms. Linen was still being used in London in the 18th century, but good condoms were expensive. This is what prompted the enterprising Miss Jenny to start gathering used condoms and washing them. She then sold the second-hand condoms at a discount.

  Over the millennia there have been many interesting attempts at contraception:

  Ø In ancient China, women drank hot mercury to prevent pregnancy. Of course, ingesting mercury is a great way to prevent all life.

  Ø In ancient Rome, women would wear a leather pouch during sex to prevent conception. The pouch contained the left foot and liver of a cat. The only births this prevented were those of kittens.

  Ø Even more bizarre than cat parts, were rabbit parts. In the Middle Ages, women wore amulets that consisted of the anuses of rabbits made into a wreath. Butt why?

  Ø Another popular method that began in ancient times and was used into the 20th century was w
ood—a piece of wood inserted to cover the cervix and literally “block” the sperm. (Sure hope that wood was sanded to a smooth finish!)

  Ø Last, but surely not least, in Canada, dried beaver testicles were ground into a tea or mixed with alcohol. Drinking this tea or a “beaver high ball” was supposed to prevent pregnancy. It did, but only for beavers.

  Dentistry

  The male has more teeth than the female in mankind, and sheep and goats, and swine. This has not been observed in other animals. Those persons which have the greatest number of teeth are the longest lived; those which have them widely separated, smaller, and more scattered, are generally more short lived.

  Aristotle,384-322 BC, History of Animals

  The Evil Tooth Worm

  Dental caries, commonly called cavities, are not a recent occurrence in the history of man, despite our enormous intake of soda, bubblegum, and Twinkies. To be sure, our love of sugary snacks keeps many dentists snug and warm in their shiny new BMWs, but tooth decay has been tormenting hominids for at least a million years.

  Today, we know that painful cavities are caused by bacteria that produce acids that eat into the tooth, but in ancient times, they blamed other living creatures—tooth worms. These worms were believed to chew holes in the teeth, then take up residence inside. It was when these worms were restless and started wriggling that the pain became intense. One of the first written accounts of this nasty worm was in an ancient Sumerian text, and the belief in these destructive critters was prevalent throughout the ancient world.

  The worms were variously described as looking like maggots or eels, and being black, gray, red, or blue. Obviously, no one ever actually saw a tooth worm—for the simple reason they don’t exist—so one can only wonder how common it was to have worms infesting your food—worms that could be mistaken for tooth worms as the food was being chewed.

  Some thought the tooth’s nerve was the worm, so it would be yanked out—but how anyone could remain conscious while their exposed nerve was being probed and pulled out I can’t even begin to imagine! Some weight was given to this concept for the simple reason that once the nerve was removed the pain naturally ended in that tooth. Yanking out the entire tooth was also a way to rid yourself of the worm-induced toothache.

  Other “remedies” included chanting spells and burning henbane seeds as a type of exorcism to drive away the evil-spirited worms. Henbane is a foul-smelling plant that in small doses could be used as a sedative, but could also cause hallucinations and death—both results of which may actually be preferable to a really killer toothache!

  A medieval German text contained an alternate use of henbane as described in the following instructions: “If the worm hollows the teeth and eats the gums, you should take henbane oil and knead it with wax and form a candle out of it. Put the candle into a bowl filled with a little bit of water: As soon as the candle burns, you must hold your teeth over it and the worms will fall into the water.”

  Honey could be used as a type of bait to lure the worm out of the tooth. Another “cure” for a toothache was to wear a string of worms around your neck. When the worms died, you threw them into a fire and said a prayer. Another common practice was to wear the tooth of a dead person, with the teeth of a criminal who had been hung being particularly helpful in easing pain.

  As the success rate for all these alleged remedies had to have been exactly nil, one wonders how these practices continued for as long as they did!

  It wasn’t until the 18th century that the widespread belief in tooth worms was finally replaced by a more scientific understanding of the mechanism of tooth decay. In a way, perhaps, that is unfortunate. At least when mankind felt that evil little worms were responsible for his rotting teeth, they had something to blame. Now, all we have is ourselves to blame for our lack of dental hygiene, as well as all the soda, bubblegum, and Twinkies, of course.

  Paying with your Teeth

  During the Victorian era, the sun never set on the British Empire. However, there were some regions were the sun never shone—namely, in the closed mouths of the self-conscious citizens whose teeth had rotted.

  While bringing the art of subjugating native peoples to a new high, the British were nonetheless at the mercy of rebellious molars and bicuspids. Some resourceful ladies of the evening combated the problem by placing violet-scented crystals in their mouths to hide the rotting stench, but respectable people seen in daylight needed a way to mask the decay and loss of their pearly whites (or browns and greens, as the case may be).

  The use of dentures was nothing new, as the earliest attempts go back to at least 700BC. Many materials were tried, including wood, porcelain, and animal teeth. Perhaps the most famous denture-wearer in history was George Washington, but contrary to popular belief, his choppers were not wooden; they were made of hippo ivory. Unfortunately, nothing quite looked like real teeth as real teeth did.

  Hence, the brilliant Victorian denture solution—use real teeth. The dilemma, however, was where to find a constant supply of healthy teeth? One obvious tried-and-true solution—take advantage of the poor.

  In a rather unsettling twist of irony, the starving and destitute of Victorian England would have their healthy teeth yanked out so they could sell them to buy food. Of course, if one continued this practice to its inevitable conclusion, not only would you have nothing more to sell, but it would be very difficult to eat anything even if you had it. Not that the wealthy recipient of the new human dentures lost any sleep over that thought.

  There probably also wasn’t a wink of sleep lost over the other harvesting techniques. For example, bringing a pair of pliers to a hanging. Or, if you didn’t mind getting your hands dirty, grave robbing was a lucrative business to get into. Yet even these practices pale in comparison to the best get-rich-quick schemes in the denture trade—wrenching the teeth from the corpses on the battlefield.

  The Battle of Waterloo, with its estimated 50,000 casualties, supplied a bumper crop to the enterprising entrepreneurs who raced onto the battlefields with sacks and pliers before the smoke had cleared.

  So intense was this search for high quality teeth, that tooth hunter-gatherers even looked across the pond for supplies. After all, Americans had taken British soil, the least they could do now was cough up a few teeth in gratitude. Fortunately, the hunters were not disappointed, as the years 1861-65 provided a boom market.

  The bloody battles of the American Civil War literally produced barrels of teeth that were shipped back to England so the idle rich could smile proudly when counting their money. And if a British gentleman was accused of lying through his teeth, he could respond in all honesty that if there were any lies being told, it was through someone else’s teeth.

  Fortunately, high quality artificial teeth have eliminated the need for such grisly practices, but even today, the high cost of dentures is often beyond the budget of the uninsured. However, pliers still remain quite affordable.

  Rub Them Out

  Just like today, an 1886 advertisement for Sozodont tooth polish blatantly played upon one of women’s primary concerns, appearing attractive to men. “Teeth of pearls and breath of roses are the winning charms of the fair sex,” the ad began, and went on to describe that the ingredients were “purely vegetable,” and therefore wouldn’t “injure your teeth.” Further claims were made that Sozodont “rendered enamel impervious to decay.” This claim may, in a backwards way, have some validity. As the American Dental Association found that Sozodont “cut teeth like so much acid,” it would only follow then, that with continued use, your teeth would quickly have no enamel left to decay.

  The American marketplace was filled with harmful whiteners and polishes well into the 20th century. During a 1935 study, Tartaroff was found to contain so much hydrochloric acid that with just one use, three percent of tooth enamel was brushed away. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that with daily use, Tartaroff would best have been called Tooth-B-Gone.

  Hush, Little Baby


  At the misty dawn of mankind, when the first tooth began breaking through the tender gums of our ancient ancestors’ first baby, a universal experience for parents was set into motion for countless generations to come—sleep deprivation. How many eons-worth of fragile sleep has been shattered beneath the incessant cries of a teething baby? What parents would not welcome a remedy which quieted their little darling and allowed them to get a good night’s rest?

  In the early 1700s, the clever and enterprising British thought they had found such a remedy; not among the wild herbs and gardens of their native soil, but in the far-off lands of China. There they found an innocent looking flower, Paparvera somniferum, which yielded a milky juice from its seedpods which had the miraculous ability to calm even the crankiest of children.

  So precious did this juice become to the British that they went to war over it in 1839 after China had forbidden further exportation of the flower. In brief, the British won the Opium Wars, allowing the prized opium poppy seedpods to flow freely into England once again. And, they got Hong Kong thrown into the deal, as well. However, the victorious British no doubt felt that mere territorial gains were nothing compared to winning the right to continue to drug themselves into a stupor.

  Opium had become the panacea for whatever ailed a man or woman, so it only seemed natural that it would also be a great benefit to children. Concoctions made with this dangerous narcotic, such as Dr. Godfrey’s General Cordial and Dalby’s Carminative, were literally poured down the tiny throats of innocent children by their well-meaning parents.