Bad Science Read online

  As a prime example, Dr. John Darsee was once lauded as “clearly one of the most remarkable young men in American medicine. It is not extravagant to say that he became a legendary figure during his year as chief resident in medicine at Grady Memorial Hospital.” This ringing endorsement came from a cardiologist at Emory University, and it helped Darsee to land a coveted research fellowship at Harvard Medical School in 1979.

  Darsee hit the ground running with his research on the effects of heart medications on dogs, and in just two years he already had seven of his papers published in major journals. He was brilliant, hard-working—often putting in 90-hour weeks—and he was on the fast track to a position on the faculty…until someone noticed something peculiar.

  Just a few minutes after the start of an experiment, three colleagues noticed that Darsee was filling in data for an entry labeled “24 seconds.”

  That was as it should be, but then Darsee filled in the data for “72 hours.”

  Wait a minute, how could he do that?

  Moments later, he moved on to the entries for “one week” and “two weeks,” even though the experiment was only a few minutes old.

  In other words, Darsee was creating science fiction, not recording science fact. When confronted, he admitted the pressure had gotten to him so he made up all the results of this one study, but he swore this was the only time he had ever done such a thing.

  In reality, this was the only time he had actually been caught fabricating data, and the whole mess quickly hit the fan. His supervisors and other researchers spent months of precious time uncovering other cases of Darsee’s creative data, time that could have been spent trying to save lives. A hospital had to return over $122,000 that the National Institute of Health had given them for one of Darsee’s studies, which turned out to be fraudulent. Careers were forever tainted as a shadow of doubt fell upon anyone who had ever worked with Darsee. One man’s weakness led to trouble for scores of innocent, dedicated professionals.

  Needless to say, the faculty position was taken off the table, his fellowship was terminated, and Darsee had to leave the field of research. He became an instructor, where hopefully, he didn’t assign grades for all of the quizzes, the midterm, and final exams during the first class.

  A Hole in One

  When examining mankind’s violent history, the human skull surfaces as the Rodney Dangerfield of body parts; it has gotten no respect. From primitive bone clubs, to medieval maces, to Louisville Sluggers, men have been bashing one another’s skulls to bits since time immemorial. Our resourceful ancestors also employed their skills to perfect swords and axes for the sole purpose of removing the entire skull clean off the shoulders. And who can forget the guillotine, an ingenious time-saving device which deprived more bodies of their skulls than you could shake a loaf of French bread at.

  However, not all cranial violations were meant to cause harm. An ancient practice known as trephination actually involved gouging a hole through the skull for the patient’s own good. Whether intended to expel evil spirits or simply relieve pressure on the brain, trephination was performed around the world for thousands of years. Yet despite the good intentions of the healers, the procedure was gruesome: after slicing open the scalp to expose the skull, a crude saw slowly dug a series of grooves until a chunk of skull could be pried out. More remarkable than the patients’ abilities to withstand these grisly operations, is the fact that many survived for years afterward (as is evidenced by the new growth of bone around the holes).

  Skulls are still being cut open today, but fortunately the procedures are being carried out under anesthesia by skilled brain surgeons in the sterile environments of operating rooms. But then again, not always.

  In 1962, Dr. Bart Hughes of the Netherlands believed that LSD was a wonderful drug, because it increased the volume of blood to the brain. In addition, this “Brainbloodvolume,” as he cleverly termed it, could also be increased by liberating the brain from its bony prison. In an attempt to prove his theory, Hughes drilled a hole in his own head. Apparently, the self-inflicted head wound didn’t do much to hone his intellectual skills, because when he announced his discovery to his fellow countrymen, he fully expected to be hailed as a hero. In fact, they hailed him as a lunatic and put him in an asylum.

  A few years after he got out, Hughes actually managed to get a disciple, an Englishman, Joseph Mellen. Mellen later wrote a book about his experiences with Hughes and trephination, aptly named Bore Hole (although it probably would have been more appropriate to name it The English Mental Patient, or Mellen’s Melon). The book begins with the line, “This is the story of how I came to drill a hole in my skull to get permanently high,” which goes a long way to explain the rest of the book.

  Mellen describes his early years and how he became an accountant. After experimenting with drugs, including LSD, he met Hughes and was faced with the dilemma of continuing to be an accountant, or drilling a hole in his head. As the latter seemed less painful in the long run, he bought a circular skull drill and prepared to release his brain into higher consciousness. Taking a tab of LSD to bolster his resolve (and suppress any shred of common sense), Mellen sliced open his scalp, but was greatly disappointed when he found that he was unable to jam the point of the drill bit into his own head. Since British officials decided to keep Dr. Hughes on his side of the North Sea, Mellen had to wait until his girlfriend, Amanda, returned from a trip to assist him in his great liberation.

  By throwing all her weight against the drill bit, Amanda finally got it to dig into her boyfriend’s skull. Then she dutifully sat by and watched until he drilled himself into unconsciousness. After recovering in the hospital and spending time in jail for possession of drugs, the undaunted Mellen tried a third time to drill a hole in his head. And as the saying goes, the third time is the charm, as his own description of the event illustrates:

  After some time there was an ominous sounding schlurp and the sound of bubbling. I drew the trepan (bone drill) out and the gurgling continued. It sounded like air bubbles running under the skull as they were pressed out. I looked at the trepan and there was a bit of bone in it. At last!

  However, the piece of bone was a small one and Mellen later decided it wasn’t big enough. All alone this time, he pressed an electric drill against his skull, but the bit wouldn’t penetrate and the drill burned out after half an hour. Quickly getting the drill repaired, he tried again the next day:

  This time I was not in any doubt. The drill head went at least an inch deep through the hole. A great gush of blood followed my withdrawal of the drill. In the mirror I could see the blood in the hole rising and falling with the pulsation of the brain.

  According to Mellen, the self-trephination was a rousing success. It was so successful, in fact, that Amanda decided to drill a hole in her own head, while filming the entire procedure. (During screenings of her film, Heartbeat in the Brain, people often fainted, “dropping off their seats one by one like ripe plums.”) Not only did Amanda and Mellen both survive, they had a child and went on to have successful careers in the art field (specializing, no doubt, in the works of Van Gogh and other self-mutilators).

  In the past few decades, there have been isolated reports of others undergoing trephination, but fortunately, mere body piercing seems to have become the self-mutilation procedure of choice of today’s younger generation. But who can tell what the future will bring? As medical costs continue to soar, what enterprising health insurance executive wouldn’t dream of inexpensive home brain surgery kits? And even with limited Brainbloodvolume, would it be too hard to imagine a 22nd-century Bob Vila, popping a fresh trepan onto his drill each week and featuring a different brain refurbishing technique on his show This Old Skull?

  Or, should we instead hope for the day when medicine conquers all illnesses, and mankind finally evolves to a point where we conquer the urge to bash one another’s skulls to bits?

  Now that is far-fetched.

  Human Guinea Pigs

  Human
experimentation is not just the stuff of Nazi concentration camps and conspiracy theorists. While it’s bad enough to be forced against your will to undergo medical experiments, it is arguably worse to be subjected to potentially harmful substances and procedures without your knowledge.

  Sounds like fiction, or the work of an evil foreign dictator? Unfortunately, no. We need look no further than Uncle Sam, American doctors, and our own backyards. While the mentally ill, the sick, children, minorities, and prisoners were the most frequent targets of non-consensual experimentation, the general public was in the medical testing crosshairs, as well. Presented for your disapproval, a brief history of human guinea pigs in the United States of America:

  1913: In Pennsylvania, 146 children were inoculated with syphilis and 15 children had their eyes tested with tuberculin, causing permanent blindness in some of them.

  1927: A woman in Charlottesville, Virginia was legally sterilized against her will. The reason given: she was “mentally normal,” but her mother was “mentally retarded” so there was the potential that she could have a “less than normal child.”

  Laws allowing forced sterilizations of the mentally ill and their normal daughters spread to 17 states, and the grounds for such procedures grew to include women who were criminals, prostitutes, and alcoholics. The law wasn’t repealed in Virginia until 1981.

  In the 1960s and 70s, there was a similar campaign of non-consensual sterilizations of Native American women, resulted in tens of thousands of women—some as young as 15—being unknowingly or forcibly sterilized.

  1931: Dr. Cornelius Rhoads, while working under the auspices of the Rockefeller Institute, injects cancer cells into Puerto Ricans, causing several deaths. Rather than facing prosecution, he runs chemical warfare projects and establishes several biological warfare facilities for the U.S. Army. As a member of the U.S. Atomic Commission, he conducts radiation experiments on soldiers and civilians.

  Dr. Rhoads was awarded the U.S. Legion of Merit for his work.

  1932: The infamous Tuskegee Syphilis Study begins. From 1932 to 1972, 399 poor African-American men with syphilis are studied for the effects of the disease. Even after the discovery of penicillin, treatments are withheld. Not only do all these men suffer the ravages of the disease, but they spread it to women and children.

  1942: The army begins experiments with poison gas on thousands of soldiers.

  1945: The army begins radiation experiments on soldiers. In the years following, other experiments include feeding radioactive substances to mentally impaired children.

  1947: The CIA begins experimenting with LSD and other mind-altering drugs on soldiers and civilians, without their knowledge.

  1949: The CIA, Department of Defense, and various branches of the military conduct years of open air biological and chemical warfare testing on unknowing civilians across the country.

  In 1977, Senate hearings confirm that between 1949-69, at least 239 populated areas had been exposed to biological agents, including cities such as San Francisco, Washington, D.C., Key West, Panama City, Minneapolis, and St. Louis.

  The extent of the effects of these experiments may never be known.

  This is just a very brief list of what has become public knowledge, and one shudders to think what secrets still exist. Has all experimentation by the U.S. government on its citizens and military personnel ceased, once and for all?

  The answer depends upon how gullible and naïve you are…

  Fun with Radium and X-Rays

  As various forms of radiation were known to be composed of high-energy particles, and people often suffered from fatigue, it would make sense that radiation could give people more energy, right?

  Unfortunately, this was a commonly held belief that led to some dangerous “cures.” For example, why not keep a special dispenser of “Radium Water” on the kitchen table so junior can revitalize himself after a long day at school? Radiated water was very popular in the early 20th century and was at its peak in the 1920s. Some radioactive jugs imparted their alleged health benefits to the water placed in them, while other “remedies” came pre-irradiated, such as Radithor, which was manufactured in New Jersey.

  Radithor was billed as “A Cure for the Living Dead,” referring to the mentally ill who were trapped inside their own minds, but it was also purchased by the general health-conscious public. For example, a Pittsburgh steel tycoon, Eben Beyers, consumed 1400 bottles. However, Beyers stopped drinking Radithor after the subsequent radium poisoning required the surgical removal of parts of his mouth and jaw, which was shortly followed by his death.

  Then there were radium creams, toothpastes, radium bags placed over rheumatic joints, uranium blankets for arthritis, and a digestive remedy containing thorium. However, the pièce de résistance was unquestionably the Vita Radium Suppositories (otherwise known as “the little pills that might as well make you bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.”)

  The Vita Radium brochure proclaimed:

  Weak Discouraged Men!

  Now Bubble Over with Joyous Vitality

  Through the Use of

  Glands and Radium

  “…properly functioning glands make themselves known in a quick, brisk step, mental alertness and the ability to live and love in the fullest sense of the word…A man must be in a bad way indeed to sit back and be satisfied without the pleasures that are his birthright! Try them and see what good results you get!”

  A man must also be in a bad way to stick a radioactive suppository up his butt in an attempt to have sex!

  People didn’t just limit themselves to having fun introducing radioactive substances into their bodies; they got to play with x-rays, too. Invented in the early 1900s, shoe-fitting fluoroscopes helped mothers determine if their children’s new shoes were fitting properly. In the interest of healthy feet, deadly x-rays were dished out in abundance.

  The most popular of these shoe store gimmicks was manufactured by the Adrian X-Ray Company of Milwaukee, WI, and was designed by Brooks Stevens, who also gave the world the Wienermobile. In England, the Ped-O-Scope was the public x-ray machine of choice. By the early 1950s in the United States alone, over 10,000 shoe-fitting x-ray devices across the country were zapping customers and sales people. It will never be known how many cancers these devices provoked, but there was at least one report of a shoe model losing her leg due to radiation burns.

  [Caption should read: Hey, let’s all gather around

  the Ped-O-Scope and watch little Sally get cancer!]

  As the hazards of poorly shielded x-ray machines in the middle of stores became better known, increasingly stricter regulations were imposed, until most machines were shut down by 1970. However, as late as 1981, one device was still in operation in a department store in West Virginia!

  As in many cases of bad medicine, people desperate for relief from what ailed them led to many falling prey to the ignorant and greedy, who indiscriminately peddled radioactive remedies to men, women, and children. We may marvel at their stupidity, but just turn on any infomercial late at night to realize that snake oil is still snake oil, just with fancier packaging and slicker marketing techniques.

  Such people should be punished with Suppositories of Truth. I have no idea what those would be, but I bet they would sting going in and make one repent coming out.

  “X-rays will prove to be a hoax.”

  Lord Kelvin, mathematician and physicist,

  President of the British Royal Society 1895

  “Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”

  Lord Kelvin, 1895

  “Radio has no future.”

  Lord Kelvin, 1895

  Chemistry and Pharmaceuticals

  The Sears Catalog Did Have Everything

  For generations, Americans purchased everything from overalls to corsets, and appliances to complete homebuilding kits from the Sears catalog. For families in rural locations, mail order was essential to having access to goods they might otherwise never have the opportuni
ty to buy. Of course, they weren’t all practical items. What child growing up in the 1960s and 70s could forget the day the tantalizing Sears Christmas Wish Book arrived in the mail—filled with every toy your little heart could desire.

  Yes, it seemed that at one time or another, you could find anything in a Sears catalog…like morphine…and heroin…

  In 1894, a Bayer Company chemist, Heinrich Dreser, developed diacetylmorphine. The claim was that it was a “heroic” drug that would work as effectively as morphine, but would free people from addiction. Based upon this noble, but oh so erroneous, premise, Bayer christened the drug Heroin and began widespread distribution. Unfortunately, in reality, heroin is several times more addictive than morphine, but who was counting?

  Actually, someone was counting—the resourceful salesmen at Sears who offered heroin in their catalogs. In fact, they had a special drug catalog in 1902 that not only offered heroin, but morphine, opium, and marijuana, as well. That was quite a Wish Book for the estimated one million opiate addicts in the United States at that time.

  In an ironic twist, some Sears catalogs even offered an infallible cure to break morphine and opium addiction, for a mere 75 cents. And if that didn’t work, you could always buy more drugs for just a dollar.

  Arguably their best marketing strategy, and possibly an instant bestseller, was the morphine concoction designed for lonely housewives—not for them to take themselves, but for these unfortunate wives to surreptitiously add to their husbands’ drinks at dinner so as to render them in such a diminished state of consciousness, that they would be incapable of going out that night and getting into some kind of mischief.