Bad Science Read online

  The radio program on which Shramek made his announcement was the Art Bell Show, a syndicated program devoted to the paranormal, and what started as a mistake of astronomy, frantically spiraled into an astronomical mistake. Personages of the likes of author Whitley “Please abduct me again so I can have another bestseller” Strieber, and Professor Courtney Brown of the dubious Farsight Institute jumped on the bandwagon and proclaimed that the SLO was actually a massive alien spacecraft.

  They reached this conclusion because Professor Brown had assigned a team of the Institute’s psychic “remote viewers” to scan the object with their telepathic abilities. (In the interest of accuracy, it should be noted that these psychics refer to themselves as “Scientific Remote Viewers,” obviously to distinguish themselves from the unscientific ones.)

  These remote viewers described a half-planet, half-spaceship object filled with an alien race just itching to bestow its wisdom on the less fortunate races, e.g., humans. And even more remarkable, was the fact that these aliens did not think in a primitive linear manner as we do. They think in “thought balls.” And what red-blooded human has not fantasized about having a good alien thought ball?

  Voices of reason did cry out in this wilderness of Bad Science. Battlegrounds sprang up, primarily on the Internet, as astronomers armed with the facts attempted to shoot down the wild theories which snowballed around the world. But what mere scientific proof has a chance against those who claimed that even the Vatican was involved in a conspiracy to hide the truth of the approaching aliens?

  During the spring of 1997, as Comet Hale-Bopp completed the inner-system tour of its orbit, millions of people around the world were treated to sensational views of a rare and beautiful celestial event. Were the pro-alienists disappointed that a huge spacecraft was not part of the spectacle? No doubt. But if we are lucky, by the time Hale-Bopp returns in another 4,000 years, mankind will have evolved to the point where we can build ships to follow comets and carry our own thought balls throughout the universe.

  ”A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.”

  New York Times, 1936

  All Dressed Up and Look Out Below!

  The ancient Romans recognized that nothing enhances the prestige of a cult or religion like a solid piece of divinity to display before the public, and nothing could have been more solid or more divine than a chunk of rock hurled down from heaven by the gods themselves.

  A meteor streaking across the sky and slamming into the ground was interpreted as an actual image of a god descending to Earth. Therefore, the Romans considered meteorites to be sacred. Temples were erected across the ancient world to house these sacred stones, and they were worshipped as a manifestation of a god. One of the most famous was the image of Artemis at Ephesus, which is mentioned in the Bible.

  “Men of Ephesus, what man is there that does not know that the city of the Ephesians is temple keeper to the great Artemis and of the sacred stone that fell from the sky?” (Acts, XIX, 35) There is an earlier biblical reference possibly referring to meteorites in the book of Joshua, when, “the Lord threw down great stones from heaven,” (X, ll) to slay an enemy, but no one seemed interested in preserving or building temples for these holy projectiles. These lucky children of the Almighty simply contented themselves with having their enemies crushed to bloody pulps.

  In Greek and Roman texts, there are references to four separate meteorites, although there seem to have been numerous temples claiming to house sacred stones. This leads one to believe that, like medieval relics of saints that often turned out to be nothing more than animal bones, not all sacred stones were of divine origin.

  Another meteorite was the sacred black stone at the temple of the Sun God in Emesa (Syria) and it had a rather colorful journey through the ancient world, one which actually rivaled its trip through the heavens to Earth. A young priest at the temple was so enamored of the meteorite that when he left Syria he took it with him. The boy, born Varius Avitus, was commonly known as Elagabalus, after the name of the god he worshipped. Suddenly finding himself Emperor, Elagabalus took the stone (also known as the monolith of Baal) to Rome, and rather than discreetly introduce his native sun worship to his conservative subjects, proceeded to build a huge temple for the meteorite on the Palatine hill.

  As a further display of his reverence, Elagabalus dressed up his meteorite, put it in a chariot, and personally led an odd religious procession through the streets every year. The unusual event is described in the fifth book of the histories of Herodian:

  “He placed the Sun-god in a chariot adorned with gold and jewels and brought him out from the city to the suburbs. A six-horse chariot bore the Sun-god, the horses huge and flawlessly white, with expensive gold fittings and rich ornaments. No one held the reins, and no one rode in the chariot; the vehicle was escorted as if the Sun-god himself was the charioteer. Elagabalus ran backwards in front of the chariot, facing the god and holding the horses’ reins. He made the entire journey in reverse fashion, looking up into the face of his god. Since he was unable to see where he was going, his route was paved with gold dust to keep him from stumbling and falling, and bodyguards supported him on each side to protect him from injury.”

  Elagabalus and his meteorite in

  a chariot are depicted on

  this ancient Roman coin.

  American Numismatic Society

  While this strange religious procession irritated his Praetorian Guard, it was tolerated. However, many other activities of the insatiable Elagabalus were not, and he was assassinated in a latrine when he was eighteen. Unlike its unfortunate admirer, the holy meteorite continued to be revered and probably made its way back to its original temple in Emesa to be worshipped by succeeding generations.

  Today, meteorites continue to be coveted, with the only difference now being that science has taken a back seat to the Money-god.

  “I would sooner believe that two Yankee professors lied, than that stones fell from the sky.”

  Thomas Jefferson,

  regarding reports of meteorites in the 1790s

  Divine Protection?

  Since the Turks had overthrown the Byzantine Empire and conquered Constantinople in 1453, Europe was a bit on edge as the upstart Ottoman Empire looked to acquire even more real estate.

  On November 16, 1492, a meteor slammed into a wheat field in the Alsatian town of Ensisheim. The Holy Roman Emperor, Maximilian I (best known for his effective use of the interchangeable and equally hazardous tactics of marriage and war) declared that the meteorite was a sign from God of divine protection from the advancing Turks.

  A document from 1492 depicting

  the fall of the meteorite from heaven.

  The holy meteorite was then brought into the church. The clever leaders of the day even thought to chain the meteorite to the church floor—not to foil thieves, but to keep the symbol of holy protection from flying back into the sky! (Don’t you hate when that happens?)

  The meteorite apparently did its job. Not only did the Turks fail to conquer Europe, but much of the continent became the inheritance of Maximilian’s heirs.

  So, if you are ever in need of divine meteoric protection, this historic stone is still on display at the Ensisheim Church. Just be prepared to catch it if it tries to fly away. Divine protection can be so fickle…

  Hot Rocks

  Before the discovery of the incredible energy created in nuclear reactions, scientists were forced to attempt to explain various phenomena in the universe in terms of energy sources with which they were familiar. Coal was one source with which every 19th century scientist and housewife had experience, and German physicist Julius Robert Von Mayer used it in a model to try to explain the tremendous energy output of the sun.

  (Mayer is best known for sharing the discovery of the first law of thermodynamics, also known as the universal law of the conservation of energy, with James Joule. However, initially, all the credit was given to Joule, and as a result Mayer attempted suicid
e. Don’t ever doubt that scientists take their work very seriously!)

  Mayer calculated that a burning sphere of coal the size of the sun would only be able to sustain such high temperatures for another 4,600 years—fortunately, a figure that is several billion years short. When he tried to fit burning gases into his calculations, the results were not much better, giving only 5,000 years of sustainable energy.

  Apparently fresh out of ideas and possible energy sources, Mayer decided that the heat and light were produced by a host of meteors or space debris; their impacts with the sun creating the necessary energy. Unfortunately for Mayer (who died in 1878), he did not live long enough to realize that what big rocks couldn’t do, tiny particles could.

  Close Encounters of the Absurd Kind

  In 1950, the scientific community made a big mistake. It was in that year that Immanuel Velikovsky published Worlds in Collision. The book should have rapidly faded into obscurity, but many scientists banded together against the book in an act of what appeared to be censorship. Velikovsky immediately raised the flag of persecution (comparing himself to Galileo) and drew widespread attention as an alleged victim of a scientific Inquisition.

  An enormous amount of time has been wasted writing about Velikovsky’s theories in the last five decades—theories which weren’t even worth the paper and ink with which they were originally printed. However, in the name of Bad Astronomy, it is necessary to write at least a few more paragraphs.

  Velikovsky’s basic theories are as follows:

  1- The planet Jupiter ejected a comet which passed close to the Earth, causing plagues and catastrophes around 1500 B.C., including showers of burning oil and rocks, locusts, frogs, and other assorted Biblical vermin.

  2- This comet threatened us on several more occasions, as did the planet Mars. The results of these close encounters were changes in the Earth’s rotation, revolution, and magnetic field, to name a few.

  3- The roving comet eventually settled into orbit, lost its flaming tail of doom and became the humble planet Venus.

  To support his chronology of catastrophes, Velikovsky did nothing less than rewrite human history to fit his “facts.” However, there are some slight glitches in his alleged sequence of events, but so what if there are about a thousand years of recorded history missing from his scheme of things?

  What has been presented here is just the tip of the Velikovsky Iceberg of Bad Astronomy, yet it is already evident that he also swam freely in the murky waters of Bad History, Bad Physics, and Bad Geology, as well. It should also be mentioned that Velikovsky was not a professional astronomer; he was a psychiatrist.

  Rather than writing volumes of nonsense, his time might have been better served by lying down on his couch and having a very long talk with himself. Perhaps then he would have realized that his ideas were not worth listening to.

  “There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. The glib supposition of utilizing atomic energy when our coal has run out is a completely unscientific Utopian dream, a childish bug-a-boo.”

  Robert Millikan, Nobel Laureate in Physics, Chemists’ Club, NY,1928

  “There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever be obtainable. It would mean the atom would have to be shattered at will.”

  Albert Einstein, Nobel Laureate in Physics, 1932

  “The energy produced by the atom is a very poor kind of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.”

  Ernst Rutherford, Nobel Laureate in Chemistry, 1933

  Another Nutty Professor?

  There's an old expression that says, “If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.” However, some people apparently really can’t tolerate Earth’s rapidly changing and unpredictable weather patterns. In fact, at least one individual preferred action to waiting—action in the form of blowing up the Moon!

  Professor Alexander Abian (1923-1999) was a mathematician at Iowa State University, and he actually suggested that if we destroyed our Moon and changed the Earth’s angle of rotation, we would not only rid the world of things like hurricanes and tornadoes, but diseases such as cancer and AIDS, as well. The fact that such actions would also probably rid the world of life (for instance, by way of one good chunk of lunar “shrapnel”) didn’t appear to be a concern to the old professor. (By the way, Abian proposed to destroy the Moon by drilling “a big hole,” filling it with nuclear warheads, “and you detonate it by remote control from Earth.”)

  Joseph Gyscek

  Another of Abian's celestial remodeling tips involved Venus. He insisted that we must move Venus into an Earth-like orbit to make the planet a “born again Earth.” How this was to be accomplished and what impact (literally) this would have on Earth could no doubt fill its own volume of Bad Astronomy.

  The final insult to one’s sensibilities came not from his theories, but from his response to his detractors (of which there were many). “Those critics who say ‘Dismiss Abian’s ideas’ are very close to those who dismissed Galileo,” Abian claimed. (Where have we heard that defense before?)

  Thankfully, there is little chance that history will ever move Abian into a Galileo-like realm.

  “Flight by machines heavier than air is unpractical and insignificant, if not utterly impossible.”

  Simon Newcomb, astronomer, 1902

  “I confess that in 1901 I said to my brother Orville that man would not fly for fifty years. Two years later we ourselves made flights. This demonstration of my impotence as a prophet gave me such a shock that ever since I have distrusted myself and avoided all predictions.”

  Wilbur Wright, 1908

  One of the Few Times Bigger Isn’t Better

  The 17th century craze for longer refracting telescopes brought some ridiculous results. Telescopes over 100 feet long were produced, and they were heavy, awkward, and almost impossible to mount on anything sturdy and reliable. Christiaan Huygens eliminated those unwieldy tubes by creating the aerial telescope. The objective lens was placed high atop a long pole, and 123 feet away, the observer held an eyepiece steadied by two wooden legs and attempted to line up the lenses with the help of a thread stretched between them.

  As absurd as this sounds, it worked. Of course, it was very difficult finding faint objects and tracking them, but owing to the quality of the 7 ½-inch objective, those with steady hands obtained good images. In 1692, Huygens’ brother, Constantine, gave the instrument to the British Royal Society, but they couldn't find a pole long enough upon which to mount it. Almost two decades later, James Pound acquired a secondhand maypole and actually used the shaky aerial telescope to obtain accurate measurements of planets and moons.

  Despite the difficulties of handling telescopes like Huygens’ 123-footer, he and others made lenses for even longer telescopes. The record appears to belong to Adrien Auzout, who made lenses with focal lengths up to 600 feet! While these mammoth creations were never used, Auzout was hoping that they would enable him to actually see mammoths, or whatever type of animals he believed inhabited the Moon.

  Eventually, reflecting telescopes, achromatic, and apochromatic lenses stemmed the focal length insanity, but not before many a man could proudly display his objective and declare, “Mine is bigger than yours!”

  Bad Archaeoastronomy

  Whatever else Stonehenge has been during its long history, it most certainly was used for astronomical observations (although for what purpose the observations were made may never be certain). However, this aspect of the mysterious stone monoliths was not clearly recognized until 1963 by Gerald Hawkins.

  Perhaps this knowledge would have come to light sooner had some people during the Victorian era been more intent on studying the structure than breaking it to pieces. During those years when most of the world was England’s playground (and the people its playthings), enterprising individuals rented hammers at the famous ancient site so that visitors could knock off pieces for souvenirs, or just to have a jolly good ti
me bashing away at something they could neither appreciate nor comprehend.

  An even worse fate befell a site in Salem, New Hampshire. Once known as Mystery Hill, and now referred to America’s Stonehenge, the unusual series of structures and pointed stones was treated as an open quarry for the construction of local towns. This site was not completely destroyed, but one shudders to think of how many other sites have been plundered and plowed over in the name of progress.

  And who knows, perhaps our descendants in the distant future will rent lasers to visitors of what was once the state of California, so that they can burn off chunks of Palomar Observatory to show the folks back home.

  Friar Fire

  The Maya of ancient Mesoamerica developed a unique system of hieroglyphic writing with which they were able to record their complex religious beliefs and practices, as well as their wealth of mathematical and scientific knowledge. One science in which they excelled was astronomy. By the time the Spaniards arrived in the sixteenth century, Mayan texts (or codices) contained tables for predicting eclipses, detailed observations and predictions of Venus’ motion, and a 365-day calendar more accurate than its contemporary European counterpart.